a close up on my All Is Well original painting
Welcome back from the holidays!!!! This Monday I was planning on doing a FAQ about Homeschooling… until I woke up this morning with a poem half out of my head and the other half wiggling out. I didn’t want to forget a word of it, so I grabbed a dull pencil from my nightstand and wrote the words down in the margins of the closest book I could find.
I’m walking a very raw path right now… transforming and still in the creative process of merging my old life (analytical, extremely emotional, impulsive, thinking) with my new one (centered, spiritual, trusting, flowing.) I don’t really want to leave my old self behind exactly, nor do I want to cling to it… more that I want to take the best that all my life has given me and find a new way to express it.
An image like this is something I just could never believe in growing up, and it was a very scary and lonely way to exist… until the lights turned on and I saw *what is possible* in full color!
As a physician, I had every intention of seeing patients every day and writing prescriptions and doing in-office procedures and working side by side along with my husband to change the lives of patients around us, in a very traditional way. Motherhood immediately taught me that I could pretty much care less about my own goals when there were these two innocent, glorious souls in my keep that I was head over heels in love with. And I instantly found the other half that was missing… evidence of the eternal, of souls and heaven and foreverness… realizing my children were souls I could *remember* from long ago… any doubts I had about life after death quickly were replaced by the relief of finally finding something more.
Now it’s been close to a decade since I’ve become a mother and I’m wanting to merge my two lives… all the knowledge that I’ve studied of the human body and the desire for understanding… mixed with my broader perspective of soul energy, karma, and higher purpose… piecing together my own way to see disease as DisEase… I’m reaching out with a new goal of becoming a medical intuitive with an MD… and it’s a very exciting time.
And very scarey. And physically painful! I realize that I haven’t been sharing much of that with you here, but I’d like to start. I began this blog almost one year ago, as the process started… looking back over the past year of entries I can see how I’ve grown, how I’ve started trusting sharing my new vision of health and healing with you all on-line here, how the positive feedback from that vision helped spur me on to create on-line health e-courses and really fueled some of my more recent spiritual artwork.
Now full of light, it’s time for me to let go of my old fears and embrace power, as I step into 2011! Are you with me?
And now that I’ve got the flow going, it seems it’s time for me to go back and let go of some of the parts of me that aren’t working in this new paradigm. Clearing out my chakra’s with the help of an amazing energy worker (thanks Aleka!) I am needing to let go of self doubt and embrace empowerment. I was meditating about that as I fell asleep last night, and woke with this poem in my head.
I will share it with you here, but please be gentle with me! I literally just wrote it down as the words spilled out… it’s not polished or perfect by any means, I haven’t even had an hour to work with it yet… but this is a letting go and a trusting and as such, I’d like to share it with you here, in it’s raw form. xoxo
As a child I walked around with the full weight of terror over me.
Clinging anxiously to my parents,
I was forever
Grasping bits of gravel and sand,
Trying to root myself in the present moment I created scrapbook after scrapbook
Holding tangible artifacts from my world,
Trying to hold on
To my life.
I was trying to prevent being sucked off this planet into an endless empty
Vortex of black
An eternal void I always felt behind me, waiting to vacuum me off this earth for good.
I kept asking for a heaven I wouldn’t let myself believe in,
A religious answer I couldn’t find.
All I could find was that Now was all I had.
I became a professional student of The Now
Toxically clinging to everything that I loved
Because after Now…
The vacuum was waiting to completely
I’m grateful for the practice of clinging to Now.
As it turns out Now is all I need.
An expert at soaking in The Now I remember to
Smell my daughter’s hair 50 times a day
Reach for my son’s hand another 50 times more
Open my eyes and see the colors in front of me,
Feel the world around me.
Be in it.
And The Now expands eternally in front of me,
Ever ready to hold me.
No longer limited by earth or manmade time constructs
I feel limitless.
I see possibility laying before me,
A fullness that has no room for the dark obsidian vacuum any more.
When I leave my body I step into The Now ever more fully
Joining and re-joining All that I Am
All that I Ever Was
All that I Will Be
A Now that is eternal
Not temporary… that’s what I was searching for…
How could I have thought that one lifetime on earth was all there would be?
That Right Now was a random event
Waiting to end?
Being a student of The Now is precisely what
Led me to discover something more…
Acutely noticing every nuance of Now
And Miracle along the way,
Turned my Now from something to cling to
Into something to celebrate…
Evidence right in front of my eyes
Over and over and over
There absolutely is something more then earth,
And it is right here in front of you,
In you and around you,
Walking this path with you every day.
The miracle of Now
Turned this lifetime from a temporary, pointless abyss
Into evidence of a longer journey,
A full coming round,
Energy and spirit swirling together into
Into a Now without end.