Jake book now on Amazon!


Look what finally arrived in the mail!  It’s been a loooong road writing, illustrating, and publishing my first children’s book.  Proofing the book and finally getting it listed on Amazon. I’ve learned a lot along the way, and feel like I have a grasp of the enormous effort that goes into each book I’ve ever read.  Especially all of our favorite children’s books I’ve read to my sweet little ones over the years.

Reading this book feels so right.  Jake is a tribute to my kids, my love for them, my hopes and dreams for their future, my love of our family, our pets, my finding my own path, my evolution as an artist… it just feels like every aspect of my life rolled into one colorful little book.

As I flip through the pages, I think about why I wrote this book.  And it all boils down to this… I wanted a book that will illustrate for my kids, and for kids everywhere, how to invite happiness right into their lives.  Not by demanding external parameters to change.  Not by hoping to be happy “one day” and putting it off into a future that never comes.  Not by needing to make drastic life changes or be something other then the person you are.  Just by staying right where you stand, and inviting joy in.

This little pig lives in a cage, and felt very very bored.  By the end of the book, not only does he decided to return to his cage, but he invites every single thing he loved about journey outside of his cage to just come on in, and meet him right where he is.  He didn’t need to know how to change things, didn’t need to figure it all out before he could become happy, didn’t need to change a single thing about his life except his own perspective.  By becoming present, aware, and focusing on all the things he loves, he invites the world to flow to him.  He doesn’t need to manage circumstances or conditions.  Everything he could ever want can flow to him right where he stands.  Or sits.  Or “mweets” or whatever you call that adorable noise that guinea pigs make.

I’d like to share Jake with you first, dear readers.  My Amazon page is a work in progress (right now the hardcover book is listed, pictures are being uploaded, and soon to follow will be the paperback version…) but I don’t need to wait until the *all* the conditions of my book listings are perfect before I let the positive energy of my book flow… I can share my joy over this book exactly where it is in it’s journey.  Right where I stand.   Yes, I know that Amazon listed MD as a second author 🙂  so it looks like Laura Koniver *and* MD are co-authors, instead of Laura Koniver, MD.  But that’s the whole point.  Should I put off my joy over this book until the Amazon page is absolute perfection?  No!  Because it might never be perfect.  But I’m happy about it RIGHT NOW.  Thrilled!  And I want to give some copies away right now!  Not when the listing is perfect.

I’d love to send one reader a hard cover copy and one reader a paperback copy.  I’d love the two winners to leave a book review on Amazon after they’ve read the book!

To enter the give-a-way, just leave a comment below any time now through Sept 16th, and if you would be so kind as to help me spread the word about my book, I’d be honored.  I’ll draw a two random winners and announce them next Friday, Sept 17th.   xoxo

Natural Body Products and Tea… with a Give-a-way!


I first met Connie through a local natural mothers group here in Charleston.  I tried her tea and I have not stopped drinking it since… years later, I can say without a doubt her teas are my favorite… ever!  And the more I’ve gotten to know Connie, the more I love her…  teas or not.  She is just, absolutely an honest, true, dear soul, and I really respect everything she does.  She homeschools two of her precious children (and one on the way!  Congrats Connie!) and fills her days with creating equisite teas, delectable salt scrubs and moisturizers, doedarants, bath products, healing salves… and loving up her sweet family.

If you met Connie right now, I can garantee you would love her too.   There is just something about her, and her passion for what she beleives in, that makes you feel good.

Sipping her tea is *almost* as good as getting to spend time with her, because they make you feel good too.  Her products are completely natural and pure, with no additives, colors, artifical scents… nothing but high quality ingredients that nurture your soul.  Because her products are so organic and natural and healthy, I thought she’d be a perfect person to write a guest blog… so I asked her, and she graciously agreed.

She also is very generously giving away a gift basket containing an assortment of body products and teas… to one very lucky soul.  She is willing to ship it, so anyone can enter!  To enter, just leave a comment at the end of this post.  I’ll announce the winner on Friday.

Without further ado, here is my sweet friend, Connie:

“Lost River Naturals… it took me quite a while to try and come and come up with a name to suit my business.  I wanted one that was earthy and peaceful and more importantly, a name that meant something to me personally.

As a child, my family and I would visit my dad’s hometown of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania and while we were there our most favorite place to go was a chilly cave and rock shop called Lost River Caverns in Hellertown, a neighboring little city.  It was a magical place to me because I have always been drawn to stones and crystals and this place had the wonderment of those earthly things I’ve long admired (although I think these creations were divinely inspired).

This particular place also had some underground caverns that we would tour with amazement and across the street from the caverns was a charming bridge and a beautiful little stream that my sisters and I would wade through while my mom and dad would take family pictures.  My memories from this mystical, magical place are some of the fondest of my childhood, so I decided to give my budding business a name that really had special meaning to me.

Upon starting a family and wanting only the purest, most natural and organic everyday products to use on my children and on myself and husband, I became very frustrated at all the “natural” options out there on the market. As I uncovered the fact that most of these products were neither natural or fully organic and many contained dangerous additives and chemicals, I decided that I was going to try my best to make some of them myself!

I began with a simple sugar scrub recipe that served as a daily cleanser for myself and husband in the shower, while the kids thoroughly enjoyed the lovely sweet scent and foaming action in the bath tub.

My next project was something to cool fevers and bump and bruises, so I began sewing flaxseed pillows and smaller “boo boo” pillows for the children.  These are so versatile because you may store them in the freezer for inflammation as well as heat them up for a muscle soothing moist heat.  I’ll have you know that we use both of my early creations daily in our house and can’t imagine going without either one!  My sugar scrubs also quickly became my most popular, best selling items.

Now with these two items developed and sought after by friends and family, I began getting requests for other daily body care products like an alternative to fluoride toothpaste and a natural deodorant that really works. Well I then began researching and trying different combinations and before I knew it, I had a list of available products that was beginning to overwhelm our tiny house!

Not only did I have body scrubs, bath salts & teas, herbal salves, lip balms, clay treatments, perfume oils and more, I also developed an extensive line of herbal teas from pregnancy teas to men’s tonics, and spicy chai concoctions!

It’s been about four years since I first got the idea to experiment with herbs and such, and now I cannot imagine my life without the daily rush to get orders completed and in the mail, and the excitement of developing new products when the mood strikes!

Although I am not a formally trained herbalist, I feel that I have a real intuition for creating effective herbal combinations in my teas and when I begin a new body care recipe, it’s rare that I have to return to the drawing board!  The products seem to turn out just right the first try although I frequently tweak this or that to make a more perfect offering.

I love the fact that my kids are getting involved with the process too.  They often flock to me when I begin taking jars of herbs from the shelves to mix a tea and my 6 year old daughter even created a tea all on her own which became my best selling blend this Summer!  She named it too ~ “Mystical Garden Tea”, a fine name for a delicious beverage!

It’s almost Fall, so I am gearing up for a rush on my Elderberry Syrup for colds and flu; I can’t seem to make batches of this delectable remedy fast enough.  I also have some new products and surprises in the works.  There is never a dull moment here as I am constantly working on filling an order or running the house and caring for my kids.  Since I homeschool 2 of my children, and have one on the way, it’s not always easy to find a balance.  But my passions in life, my family and my business, keep me fulfilled, happy and hungry to learn more to nurture both.”

I am highlighting a different business every month, ones whom I totally support and recommend because I believe so much in the products and services they offer.  I have a great line up for this fall and winter, so be sure to stay tuned!

To keep up with Connie’s new products and sales, join her facebook fan page.

Check out her shop, Lost River Naturals… it is chock full of stuff not even mentioned in this blog post!

To enter this give-a-way, for Connie’s awesome gift basket, leave a comment below! Check back on Friday to see who the winner is!  Good luck, these will be some of the finest products you ever try!  xoxo

Thoughts on Health… Loving my Daughter, Loving Myself


These preteen years are uncharted waters for me as a parent.

I find that they bring up lots of intense emotions for me, and I wonder why.  I am finding that loving my daughter, truly loving her, even in her angry pre-teen moments when she thinks she isn’t lovable, brings me a deep satisfaction and often moves me to tears.

Don’t get me wrong… when I speak of my daughter being emotional I’m talking about a 15 minute spell of her feeling irritable and stand-offish… understandable when I take a look at her pre-teen body and all the changes that are swirling to the surface.   Long, colt-like legs, girlish figure entangled with the baby one that I used to know so well… teeny tiny little pimple coming up on her perfect nose… evidence of changing hormones and changing times.

All result in Clara, on occasion, having a need for space that she didn’t have before.  It’s not so much that she is pushing me away, as she is tending to her own needs, even though she doesn’t know what they are yet.  She stands confused for a moment… and wants me to go away.  And I am proud of her for verbalizing this.  I love that she trusts me enough to hold her space.

I’m learning how to read her, to know when she is feeling like a child and when she is feeling like a pre-teen, even if that swings back and forth like a pendulum multiple times a day.  I wonder why this normal phase, which I am so very in awe of when I watch my daughter, feels so damn intense to my own heart?

When she aired her frustrations as a child, I found it so easy to stay centered… to be an unmovable oak tree, sheltering her through any season.  When she airs her frustrations now, I find myself feeling like a lonely sad leaf… wildly fluttering through gusts of wind in a storm, and I wonder why the heck I have lost my footing so easily.

But I think I’m on to something here.  I think it’s quite possible that the time that we find our children the most challenging is probably the time in our own lives when we stopped loving ourselves wholly.  For each parent, this is going to be different.  Maybe this is why some times, some parents seem to have a harder time with the toddler phase.  Maybe as a toddler, they were told no a lot, or spanked.  With some it might be when the child first goes to school… maybe this was a particularly rough transition for the parent when they were a child.

For me, the babyhood and the toddlerhood and the early school years have all been so effortless to love them through… it’s this first peek at my daughter’s scoffing at me, distaste of me, emotional complexity that has me reeling.  And for the first time, wondering what I should do.  She looks at me, and for just one moment in time, I can see that she finds me lacking… and it just brings up what I felt for myself at nine.

I remember back to being a child, turning 9… this puts me in 3rd grade… right when my mother had my little brother.  Whoa… that was  a really rough time.

I never felt uglier… hated my crooked tooth and frizzy hair, and I remember being a nervous wreck… I developed a nervous tic  of biting on my lip when my mom entered the end of her pregnancy and went to the hospital to have a c-section… I rember visiting her in the hospital and just feeling so separate… coming home felt so empty.  I started whistling a nervous little whistle that I couldn’t even hear… my dad or my older brother would ask me to stop… I wouldn’t even know what they were talking about, until I realized that I had been whistling instead of watching the TV program they were watching.

I think even though 9 can seem so grown up, we need our parents more then ever.   My parent’s arms were full with a new, lovable little baby, who I loved very much too.  I think I loved the new baby more then I liked myself actually, at that point.

But what would I say to myself, if I could go back now?  I would demand to myself that I was so very lovable too, right then, twisting my lower lip into a nervous knot and biting on it.  Staying up all night unable to sleep.  Whistling an invisible song.  Ugly frizzy dirty blond hair and crooked teeth and blue circles under my eyes.

I was lovable and now I do have the chance to believe it in myself, because I look at my own daughter… who I can’t find a single thing wrong with… and  can say it so easily to her.  I LOVE YOU CLARA!  Even when you feel confused!  Even when you don’t know what you want!  Even when you get your first tiny pimple on your absolutely precious little nose.  Oh my God it makes me love you more!!!!!  Even when what you really want is for me to go away and you push me away through your actions or your words.

Loving someone, even when I can think of reasons I’ve been wronged, but loving anyway… that is the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Choosing to love, and focus on love, even when my first impulse is to push back… this is changing my life.

Both my children… growing up so fast, right before my eyes.

Choosing love over strife is very scary.  It seems common sense, who wouldn’t rather have peace then a fight?  Should be an easy choice…  But in the moment, when my daughter pushes me away, the wind feels literally knocked out of me and I feel desperate to re-connect… to *correct* her… to make her love me again… to demand her to show some respect… in those moments, choosing to remain quiet and let her walk away is so very very scary.  It *feels* like a huge, frightening, letting go of control… where I’m not the mother at all any more, but instead the one who is tumbling down a well, head over heels, and trying to stay in the moment.

“Who is this person who has come to you?

Not to be shaped

Not to be bent

Not to be formed

Not to be changed,

But to be loved.

Can you recognize

That everything you mistrust and fear in your child

Is a part of yourself that longs to be loved?”

-(who said this quote… does anyone know?)

In those very moments, I can see that I did the right thing.  My daughter knows I still love her, in my quiet, oak tree kind of way.  Inside, I might feel like a leaf in the wind, but my *presence* and my trust in her held the grounding of an oak tree for Clara.  And  can see in her eyes that my daughter still does love herself.  And then she smiles at me.  And she isn’t lost… Oh my goodness I have never never been so grounded and calm and healed in my entire life.


Loving when society would tell me to send her to her room.  How dare she talk back to me, right?  Screw that.  I don’t care how she talks to me.  I care how she feels.  I *want* her to be able to tell me how she is feeling, the happy and the ugly and the dark and the light sides, the lovable and the unlovable, as if there really was such a thing…

Loving when a whisper in my ear says she has crossed the line, this is my greatest moment.

Loving when I can see that she feels unlovable takes an unbelievable amount of my courage.  But it has never failed.  Dammit, I do love her.  I love her all the more. Loving my Clara is easy.  Loving myself is hard.   This is deep and meaningful soul work that I am doing… it feels right.

I have to walk a fine line between what I want to do (run over and scoop my baby up in my arms and kiss her and hug her and smell her) and what she is testing me to do (trust her and leave her alone.)  And I find a new balance, when I find new ways to reach out to her that are still within her comfort zone.  I find instead of a full fledged hug, sometimes Clara will accept a foot rub.  Or spending time together means going out and hunting through a thrift shop and driving through for ice cream instead of her sitting on my lap ever again.

(Okay, sometimes I just gotta sneak that kiss in any way…)

My goal is for her to believe and know, no matter what phases she grows through, that she it totally, utterly, completely, irreversibly LOVABLE.  And to surround her with that knowledge.

And while I’m learning how to do this, it feels like the person I’m helping most here is me.

Is anybody else going through this with their pre-teen?  How are you holding up?  I’d love to know!  Any good tips?  xoxo

Chocolate Chip cookie recipe… My Favorite Thing… in my Stomach?!?!


My two menfolk love cookies, especially chocolate chip.  But my daughter… not so much.  In fact, she won’t eat cookies in general.  I thought all kids were supposed to love cookies… but guess she got some of this from me… I typically don’t like cake and ice cream.   Even as a kid.

So it became my mission to find a cookie that I could bake and have my *whole family* enjoy… my daughter included.  Finally, after months of excruciating testing (not that my son or husband were complaining) I found a cookie that my daughter loves too!  But in these pictures, her brother beat her to the plate…

It is basically a sugar cookie with chocolate chips and M&M’s mixed in.    I know, I don’t exactly know how this makes it different then a regular chocolate chip cookie.  It probably isn’t.  But once I stopped finding and making recipes for chocolate chip cookies, and instead started finding and making sugar cookie recipes and adding chocolate chips into it… they started to taste different.  And we all love them.


Our Family’s Favorite Cookie… otherwise known as: Clara’s Only Cookie

(use organic ingredients whenever possible!)

1 1/2 C all purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp baking powder

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.  Stir together flour, baking soda and baking powder.

Melt 1 stick of butter (1/2 C) on the stovetop.

Mix in 3/4 C of sugar, stir to cool the butter.

Once cooled, add 1 egg and 1/2 tsp vanilla extract to the butter/sugar mixture.  Blend well.

Gradually blend the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients.

Add tons of chocolate chips and several handfuls of M&M’s!  Yum!  Eat a few more handfuls yourself… you deserve it, after all, you are the cook.

I usually use my hands and form balls of dough, making sure to get several M&M’s into each cookie, but you could just scoop out heaping spoonfuls… bake these for 8 minutes, until the edges begin to golden.  I like my cookies chewy, so I leave them a tad undercooked in the middle.

Let cool, and devour.  Makes about 18 cookies.  Perfect for one serving.  🙂


Tip: Usually, when I’m mixing up the flour part, I make 4 times as much as the recipe calls for.

So I mix 6 cups of flour, 2 tsp. baking soda, and 1 tsp. baking powder into a large bowl.

Then I put 1 1/2 cups of the mixture into three different jars, and use the last 1 1/2 cups to make cookies right now.

That way I have 3 more batches of cookies waiting in my pantry, ready to go, for the next time I want… err… my kids want cookies.

All I have to do when the mood strikes is melt a stick of butter, add the sugar, egg, vanilla… dump in the flour mix, all right in the same pot on the stove top… and throw them in the oven.

I know, you are rolling your eyes at me…. how the heck is that any easier then just making them all from scratch.  But folks, you know the power of feeling like you have a *mix* ready to go… come on.  This is why pre-mixed boxes of muffins and cakes and brownies are a multi million dollar industry.  Those aren’t hard to mix up either, let’s face it.  But there is something about thinking that the cookies are already started that makes it easier to just finish them off and pop them in the oven.  Try it.  I garuntee that if you make 4 jars of cookie mix, you will make cookes about 4 times more often then you normally do.  Which I realize might not be a good thing.  BUT!  IF you sneak healthy things into the flour, like ground flax seeds and whey powder, which I often do… then you can certainly justify this!

This also means I can add anything I want into the cookies to change it up.

I recently added some oatmeal and some dark chocolate covered raisins instead of chocolate chips and M&M’s, and had a sort of oatmeal raisin meets sugar cookie hybrid with dark chocolate in it.  It was luscious.

Sure, my daughter wouldn’t eat it… but hey, you win some you lose some.  xoxo

Poem of My Life


This is a poem about my life. It is very raw and real and the truest thing I know, for me.

It is the story of my existence.

I feel like I’ve had two lives… I’ve been two people… the person I was before my family, and the person I have become, almost instantly, after becoming a mother.

The person I was before… I don’t love to think about her. I was creative and full of energy, but also full of nerves and never ever comfortable in my own skin. Often critical of others and preferring to compete with life instead of join into it. Above all, I had an inescapable fear of death.

The woman I am now… I don’t even recognize the girl I used to be. I feel so full of joy and love. Full of a compassion that I never had before. And calm. A deep calm. A *knowing* that there is more to life then this moment, and that all is well.

I wrote this poem about how I finally discovered my deeper truth.

Please be kind to me when you read it.

Nothing I’ve ever written has been more honest, and leaves me more exposed.  I can’t read this poem without crying.

I’m not a poet, but this is the song my soul sings. I guess this poem *is* my Heartsong.

I’ve felt a calling to share it with you here. xoxo

In Retrospect

In retrospect
I discover
That I do believe in heaven and souls and foreverness.

It is such a relief
I can’t even sleep at night
This huge grin on my face keeps me up until the indigo glow before dawn.

Because I had spent the first twenty-something years

a worried, nervous wreck, straining to believe
trying religion after religion on
wanting to believe in something more then the absoluteness of death.

Religion always felt like a complicated coping mechanism that people clung to
and I just couldn’t cling
no matter how I wanted to
free falling into a vast nothingness
after life
that scared the shit out of me.

It turns out
that the uneasy searching was actually just a painful waiting,
and that burning to find something more
was actually just tormented, desperate wanting,
and that despair over needing an answer
was actually just a fiercely missing
my loves
my soul mates
my family.

It was such a deliverance to see them again.

When I met my husband, I breathed my first real breath.
And when my daughter arrived
I was light-headed with sheer joy.
And when my son arrived
I was knocked to my knees by the overwhelming thankfulness of it all.
The kind of air-knocked-out-of-you
type of triumph
you can only come to
at the end of a very long and terrifying fall
as your feet hit solid ground again.

Here were the souls I had waited all my life for.
Here were the souls I knew.
Here was what was missing.
Here was my religion.

Of course I had such a deep heartache.
Of course I had been searching my whole life.
Of course I was near crazy with longing.
I need these three more then I need to be alive.
My soul needs these souls or I don’t exist at all.

And now they are here again.
This proof,
that I do believe in reincarnation and past lives and foreverness…

in retrospect.

Thoughts on Health… Fibromyalgia


When you follow your bliss, doors open where you would not have thought

there would be doors, and where there wouldn’t be a door

for anyone else.   – Joseph Campbell

This one is personal.

I carry all of my tension in my neck and shoulders.  Painful trigger points, tension headaches, tenderness in my upper back and neck so strong that at times I can’t even wear a bathing suit or a sports bra or a ponytail, or anything pulling on my neck at all… sometimes, even a necklace is too much, has me on my knees begging for mercy.

I think I could fit the definition for fibromyalgia, but I’m not double checking.  Because one thing I don’t want, is a label.  I don’t want to lump my energy in with the morphic field of “fibromyalgia”… I prefer just to think of it as where I carry my tension.  As my own personal barometer of stress.  An alarm that signals when I need to slow-it-dowwwwnnnnn.

I really feel that people with fibromyalgia, as with many other diseases, including peripheral neuropathies and restless leg syndrome and RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy), are able to feel sensory input more acutely.  That’s why nerve stabilizing drugs help, by desensitizing and diminishing the nerve’s sensory capability.

But I don’t think it means that folks with fibromyalgia necessarily have more stress… just that they are more sensitive to perceiving it.  Just like my husband can eat super spicy salsa and say it is “flavorful” and tastes good, while one tiny dab of it on my tongue has my lips burning off, my eyes tearing up, and my throat burning.  It ruins my whole meal.  But who is right — is the salsa spicy, or is it not spicy?  The salsa just is.  It is our perception that makes it spicy or not spicy.  To Craig, it’s not spicy.  To me, it is unbearable.

So when my back starts flaring… do I have more tension in my shoulders then someone who doesn’t feel any back pain?  Who cares.  What matters is, that I can *percieve* my shoulder tension acutely and it is telling me something.  Seen in this light, isn’t my sensitivity a gift?  A blessing?  That I can sense, earlier then others, when my body is stressing out?

Yes, I believe it is.  Because I know *right away* when I need to take care of myself… I don’t bottle it up and ignore it and wait for it to manifest in a more serious disease before I will take notice.  I know moment by moment, just by running my hand across the back of my neck, how I am doing with my attitude.

“We make life a burden by our attitude.” – Louise Hay

This is so very true with me, and I suspect a lot of folks with hypersensitivity issues, like fibromyalgia.  My shoulders are my own personal indicator of how much strain I am feeling.  And the strain I am feeling is all created by my attitude.  Thoughts start to creep in, when my trigger points start to flare… thoughts like “I’m the one who does all the chores, all the cooking, all the cleaning, I don’t get enough time to myself, I haven’t even brushed my teeth today, all I’ve done is care for everyone else, blah, blah, blah, blah.”  I’m boring myself even typing it out.

But in the moment… oh, in the moment… that is my deepest *truth*… my shoulders are screaming out “WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?” and it’s like a slap across the face.  Wake up!  What am I doing?!?  Chores… they are privileges… privileges for sharing my home with the three most amazing souls I have ever met.  And you know what?  If I don’t want to do them, I shouldn’t.  Nobody has to do anything.  You don’t *have* to.  Do you know that?  You don’t even *have* to breathe.  Breathing, living, being… they are all a gift.  The moment you don’t feel that you *have* to do anything is the moment you will start wanting to do all the things you were resisting.  You don’t have to do chores… deep inside, you want to.  You choose to.

So I don’t have to become the martyr…  it is my choice.  It always has been my choice.  Every thing I’ve ever done has been a choice.  The fact is, I am the luckiest woman alive… and the very moment that I stop feeling that way, my shoulders remind me.

The path out from under my shoulder pain is simple.

First, I re-align with what I *know* to be true.  I am blessed beyond belief.  And I don’t have to do it all.  I don’t have to do anything.  I stop.  And I wait until I *want* to do something before I do it, instead of doing things I don’t want to be doing, and then blaming everyone else.

I re-focus on my bliss… on what makes me happy.  When I have trigger points, what makes me happy is usually having my husband push on my shoulders to help break them up.  And then I take some extra fish oil.  And some tryptophan and melatonin so I’m sure to get an excellent night’s sleep.  And if I’m smart, I’ll do some yoga, stretch out my neck.

And sure enough, as I focus on my bliss, my relief, my joy… I find 101 other things to be thankful for.  They just line up for me… hitting me over the head with my reality.  Life is neither a burden nor a blessing… it’s our attitude that makes it so.  Salsa is neither spicy nor mild… it’s our perception of it that makes it so.

So I see that door, with music and light and joy and laughter just beyond.   And I get to decide which side of the door to stand on.  Sometimes, it feels like the door is locked and I can’t get in.  In those moments, I stop the struggle.  I stand there for a moment in time, an eternity, a blink, it doesn’t matter… I close my eyes and I listen to the music through the door.  Even if that is all I can do for that moment.  Even if listening to the music is the only thing I can access… even if I feel my muscle fatigue and pain locking me into a dark room.

Close my eyes… I can still hear the music.  Neither resisting the muscle pain nor focusing on it, I am okay.  I am content.  I am thankful for my messenger… my pain.  Telling me to stop for now.  I am okay, I’ve done enough.  It’s saying thank you to me… it’s telling me I’ve done enough and I can pause now.  I have the ability to allow *all* my experiences to be joyful and satisfying, even if all I can do is survive the moment.  Even if all I can do is lay there and listen.  I don’t have to fight it.  It is enough to just BE.

And soon enough, my mind has wandered.  Off of my shoulder discomfort and on to other things.  The curious and the optimistic in me has re-awoken.  The music has my toes tapping.  I don’t *have* to stand back up and face the music, the chores, the life that is waiting for me… I *want* to.  I’ve reached for the doorknob and opened the door and I am stepping back into the party.  This is why I’ve come!  This is the ride I’m on, and I’m committed to it.  I’m not holding back, judging it, wishing for something else… I’m allowing the experience of it to be okay just the way it is.

Is my fibromyalgia a blessing or a disease?  It’s up to me to decide.  xoxo

My Baby


This huge guy, running at me across the living room, is my little baby.  Turning 7.  Waaaaahhhhhh!  In one weekend, he turns from a young child (6) to an older kid (7)… or at least that is how it feels to me.

Oh my goodness, to top it off, he lost his second tooth as well.

I love you forever and ever Miles.  No matter how big your feet get.  Even though we wear the same size shoe (what the heck?!?!  You are 7 years old!?!?  How come I have to order us both the same sized Crocs?).   And even though I could put your hoodie on and wear it.  You are still my tiny snuggable sweet little baby boy looking up at me with beautiful green eyes and kissable little lips.  I completely adore you.

Being your Mommy fulfills my ultimate heartsong.  Happy 7th Birthday!  xoxo